Life

Saturday, 31 July 2010
19:30

My morbid interest in tormenting those who actually care about me is disturbing. Much more distressing to myself than those who are victimized, as I'd like to believe.

I am truly sorry.

The problem is just me. I hate doing what I love, and love doing what I hate. It is inexplicable but yes, I do not understand why my body reacts this way.

Perhaps morals. Perhaps principles. Perhaps values. Or more possibly it's just me. I'm the problem. I'm just not good enough.

But I don't know what I was thinking when I put you through all that.

But now I'm fine. Still battered and bruised after the pain I've inflicted upon myself, but clear that all of that was wrong. I shall not be reduced to that.

This week was the ordeal, and I have emerged a man >=)

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Saturday, 24 July 2010
18:13

I always knew there was a tint of genius up there in my mind, within such a short span of time,

Voilà, I am enlightened !

Next up, the ordeal coming up this week. As long as I survive,

I'll come out a man, or in the can.
The trash can- if you know what I mean .

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Bruised and battered,
raw from battle,

Everything hurts.

Set achievable targets, you're not a superhero,

at least, not anymore. Humans can create miracles but,

what are the chances?

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Friday, 23 July 2010
22:55

Have you ever heard anybody say they need something, but they don't want it ? If you haven't, well, you've heard it.

There are many reasons why we need certain things. First on the list is survival. Survival is paramount, for without surviving and without life, there are no possibilities. No potential for success, and no possibility of failure.

With increased standards of living and technological advancement we no longer have to worry about not meeting our basic needs (Such as food, water etc. In our country at least). Yet, our mind is malnourished and withered. We seek emotional attachment and connection, at the least, to nourish the mind.

Well, at least most people do. I do too, but have you ever heard anybody say they need something, but they don't want it ? Now you've heard it, I don't want it.

And although it's seemingly impossible to overcome what millions of others could not, I firmly believe in my resolve- that it'll not be crushed that easily.

But it hurts to go against your will, for you're fully cognizant of the fact that what you're doing might well turn against you someday. You might lose a partner, an ally or a friend. But you know it's for the greater good of everyone. Even though every part of your body tells you to give in to the pressure,

there is satisfaction in defying all logic.

It doesn't feel good, true, but at least I know it's right. So ultimately, even if the process hurts, I'm holding out.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Friday, 16 July 2010
19:22

I don't know why the shit everything has to change at this point in time. No, not this point in time.

This year.

Between 16 and 17 years of age I realise an abrupt change in the lives of everyone around me. Well, the most prominent change being people of the opposite gender being thrust into our lives in school. And like little puppies (well, with reference to the notion of puppy love) people start flocking over to the other side as if they've uncontrollable hormones.

Well, that's it. Uncontrollable hormones.

Everything is is well, fucking different right now. Because the popular notion of men using their crotch to think has become so relevant. So relevant their brains go bonkers. How many of them can truly think rationally at this point in time ? (Oh there's a cliched line for this: Love is blind. Blind indeed!)

And then there are those that you truly care for and the only thing you could do is to watch them change. For some, you watch them suffer and you're unable to offer a helping hand.

The sky is so dull....today as I stare out of the window. The passers-by below are so minute.

So much for anti- crotch - driven. Am I spared from it ?

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Wednesday, 14 July 2010
23:46

I cannot hear myself think. Cannot hear myself breathe. Cannot breathe, and not think.

The only thing in my world was the terror, the darkness clawing away at my being, as foot by foot I lifted and tried to escape.

This is the moment. When the lights that were shining on you were suddenly switched off by a malicious hand. And you are left with nothing but the darkness as your companion. The thing is, you never gave credence to the existence of the creature, and now it lurks dangerously behind you. You always believed in the light. But now everybody tells you you're wrong.

As I kept running, instinctively I picked out the notebook I've hastily chucked into my pocket. On it I scribbled:

Help. Change. The world is turning inside ou-

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Monday, 12 July 2010
09:30

What got into me wasn't the majestic mountains, the legendary buildings nor the amicable people. As I was exploring the streets of the famous city of lights I begin to wonder what it was and only until now did I realise what it really was.

It was the familiarity of the place.

**

On this trip I've done and seen many things. Of which the first was of course, what I went there to do: Image Processing. It was a high level technique, which to our relief (and of course our lecturers'), we could understand. At first I was skeptical when the lecturer mentioned that we were brilliant but with repeated mention I couldn't help but believe him.

As the days rolled by all of us got more accomodated and the initial surreal experience we had of this fairytale-like mountain region begin to fade. The hectic lifestyle we left home slowly became a memory-

a memory we'd all like to forget.

This process was catalysed by the fact that those at home were being tormented by the CTs. We were more than glad to have escaped it's wrath. It was as if we'd ridden on a WOW-turbo-charged-flying-machine and barely avoided the clutches of the ferocious Jabberwocky.

It was a relief as much as a slight-regret. For the other way, we could see what was INSIDE the beast.

The food there was the most amazing experience I ever had, well.... for the first few days. It was thrilling to have something out of the ordinary every meal and every other day. But we're still Asians- our tongue cannot adapt quickly enough to have Western food everyday after having Asian food for nearly 20 odd years. From the fifth day onwards, frankly speaking, my mouth started acheing from ulcers and what-not.

I'll remind myself to bring some Asian packed food the next time I go to Europe or the US for that matter. For now, I'll continue sticking to Asia.

Oh did I mention Annecy, the Venice of France? Another lovely place in my opinion. Although, my opinion is biased because anywhere there are mountains, a beautiful lake and greenery I'd say is beautiful. The only thing lacking was a hand to hold on to, to share the memory with when I was gaping at the lovely town.

On this trip I've helped somebody completed something on her bucket list of climbing a Mountain. I've learnt to be nice by saying Bonjour to every other hiker I saw along the way. I've lived through the life of a foreign student living alone in a residence hall. I've lived my Jock-life of exercising extensively(even in a foreign land). I've personally experienced a pickpocket experience.

Ah the pickpocket experience- it was a story to behold but, for another time.

The Louvre, the Arc, The Eiffel Tower and the familiarity of it all. All I could say was that when I left on the plane the sense of familiarity still lingered.

30 minutes before I landed I saw the iconic twin tower of KL, which sparked another chain of memories within me. Alas, it is a story for another time yet again.

Now the only thought I have in mind is-

Home at Last! My friends,
I am home at last!

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Friday, 9 July 2010
02:43

As I sit here pondering the worth of it all, I begin to wonder if all I've ever believed in was merely a bluff-

Not to deceive everyone around me,
but to deceive myself.

That's the thing about me- loving to meet expectations. My own expectations because I don't give a shit about how others think about me. There will always be companions along the way just as antagonists would oppose your ascent. You cannot satisfy everyone. So either you satisfy your followers so that they'll continue to support you or you could go the other way around and completely reverse the whole support/ against thing.

I believe that I don't give a shit about how others think about me, but that's purely what I believe what I believe in. You get it ? Believing in what I believe in, that's a derivative.

Be it up on the Mountain or gasping for French Air on an unfamiliar road as I dashed across the street chasing after my goal, I begin to wonder if all I ever done was to make life hell for myself,
so that I'll be coerced to stay on the good side.

Ultimately I'm the only one getting fooled, I guess.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Monday, 5 July 2010
06:14

The human heart is a desolate landscape;

devoid of plants,
creatures,
life.

It is a barren land. The sandy soil is bathed in blood. In the distance you see a gaping chasm, and beyond that- nothing. You begin to wonder- if there were no creatures, where did the blood come from? You yearn to see something to tell you where you are.

You cannot see anything.

The sky is overcast, lit on occasion by the streak of lightning that rips the sky apart. You saw something,

but you cannot hear anything.

The air is thin but the smell of fear was distinct. In a big gulp of air to survive you inhale a breath full of fear instead,

you fear everything.

The human heart is a cruel place, unexplored and mysterious. The earth starts trembling as the aftershock of a recent earthquake shook the earth.

It is a place that trembles,
for the heart is easily shaken.

You begin falling due to the shock,
and tonight you can't get up.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Sunday, 4 July 2010
08:37

The problem with being over-brilliant is that you get to skip a thousand phases in life and join other people who are much more experienced, much more complicated and much uglier for that matter.

Living a sheltered lifestyle. That's what I call it. Frankly, I'm in no position to criticize anybody or anything at all because I admit, I do lead a rather sheltered life. I'm not perfectly well informed (Although I do remotely hope that my GP paper would go into the deans) but I still get by. However, I do know of a big group of people who have lead much much more sheltered lives than I have.

They are more commonly known as the social retards. To illustrate, have you ever read of prodigies who attend university and even higher level education even when they're below 10 years old? Have you ever wondered what becomes of them after their short-lived fame in the papers and in the news ?

I heard some of them die a terrible death because they're socially unaware and unable to adapt to the environment.

This is largely due to the fact that normal childhood development and interaction is paramount in the growth of a person. There is no better alternative to teaching a child to grow than to put him into life and let him grow, as it is the case where to get better in algebra, you practise algebra and not statistics. These sheltered people, in my opinion, do very well in their fields of study indeed, but because they escape normal development, lack in many other ways.

Some of them encounter problems very early in their life when they interact with other people.

The point is, in the seemingly useless and normal childhood playtime, the process is much more important than the end results. There cannot and would not be a measure of how important childhood is because it simply cannot be measured. Regardless, many intangible things are as important as tangible, palpable ones.

I feel that it is our duty to teach some of these people, whom are our close friends, to socially mature so that their talents would not be wasted.

The problem is, how do we do it ?
Who do we do it on?

The why is basically because we care. We genuinely care.
Sigh, I have so many problems ahead.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Saturday, 3 July 2010
00:53

It's cruel how I can turn 180 degrees on things just simply because my mind is clear.

But being cruel to others means being benevolent to myself.

So ta-ta, I'm a changed man

again.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Friday, 2 July 2010
05:36

I realise the more I talk about it, the more I realise that anything is possible except that.

I don't need to put my resolve to the test actually, because that's overkill. I don't need to brace myself for a light shower that I'm not even sure would come.
Nothing's gonna happen, I'll make sure of it.

I'll get busy trying to make my name live forever, or die trying.
No time for useless, minute and unimportant stuff to blur my vision.

Yes, get busying living or busy dying.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?

Thursday, 1 July 2010
00:21

I mean I do observations everyday but sometimes I really wonder whether some of my observations are correct.

As with every other thing in this world, if you plot this against that, you'll probably get an origin, and a positive and negative value (That except when you absolute the value).

Many things in life, and I was even told that during my lessons here in France, are made of sine waves. I'll explain how even a picture can be a sine wave more in details next time, but when I put this sentence vis-a-vis with what I'm experiencing--- It's really quite true.

Sometimes, there are just signs(conveniently rhyming with sine) that point towards the positive and just when I'm about to come to a positive conclusion- something negative pops out. So I go hey, yeah, it should be nega.... then another positivity emerges.

So now I'm even more uncertain about what's going to happen. But I'm hoping that the results would go the negative way. Alright, perhaps not the negative, but towards the direction of what I refer to as positive.

Yet deep down inside I know I really want it to go the positive direction.

Then again, I like things which I don't like.

So time will decide everything, I guess ?

I've been having these weird thoughts lately;
like,
Is any of this for real, or not?